


No Use Crying Over Spilled Milk... Tea?

by Naturestar44



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BUT THIS WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING, Depression, Diary/Journal, M/M, Minho dancer, POV Alternating, Self-Harm, Seungmin and Woojin are brothers, Suicidal Thoughts, an attempt at the Korean school system, at least we tried, college and high school au, don't be mad at me, don't be mad at minsung, if this looks familiar it's cuz I started this on wattpad, jeongin secret artist and writer, jeongin's just trying to feel okay, jisung artist, lots of guilt and jealousy, probably totally off tho, rated mature for:, sad hours for Jeongin and Chan, slow and sporadic updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:27:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 12,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naturestar44/pseuds/Naturestar44
Summary: A little blue notebook brings a lot more questions than Bang Chan ever prepared to find... especially when he didn't have any questions to begin with.~Trigger Warning: depression, some suicidal thoughts, direct descriptions of self-harmBut this will end as a happy book - I don't like sad endings
Relationships: Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Kudos: 14





	1. 1

It was a rainy day. The windows of the lecture rooms were slapped with the rage of the storm, and Chan had spent hours watching the rain drip slowly, painfully down the glass. The leaves were tossed about in the wind and splat against the bricks like collateral damage of the blusterous war.

The drear of the world painted itself on the inside of Chan’s mind, sending him into a blur of gloomy, muddled thoughts. Time seemed to pass like a curious snail stopping to investigate every blade of grass that it passed.

In short, Chan was having a slow, sad day. Little did he know how well the wet battle outside foreshadowed what he would come to find later that evening…

~

The only bright spot in Chan’s day was lunch with his friends. Every day Chan walked from his university to the high school down the street, where Hyunjin, Felix, Jisungie, Seungmin, and Jeongin attended.

Their high school didn’t exactly allow strangers to freely walk onto campus - even alumni - but Chan, Woojin, Minho, and now Changbin visited so often that the ladies at the front desk were tired of handing them visitor stickers every single day. Eventually Chan and the older boys were allowed to freely join their younger friends without checking in.

Since Minho and Changbin had been both lucky and wise enough to have no morning classes this semester, they merely drove from their dorms to the high school. Chan, on the other hand, had a few minutes’ walk in the pouring rain. His walks were lonely now that Woojin had graduated early.

The storm found its sneaky way under his umbrella, plastering his clothes to his skin and wetting the ends of his [natural] curly hair. By the time Chan stepped inside the high school, he looked like a bedraggled rat. Nonetheless, he waved to the ladies at the front desk as he made his way to the cafeteria, plopping himself down next to Seungmin.

The younger scowled in annoyance as Chan shook his hair out, water droplets flying everywhere, including onto the chemistry worksheet Seungmin had in front of him.

“Hyung don’t get my homework wet, I have to turn this in next class,” Seungmin grumbled, borrowing Hyunjin’s napkin to wipe hopelessly at the splotches on his paper.

“Sorry Minnie,” Chan said, giggling as the younger slapped his arm for the nickname.

“Whatever,” Seungmin mumbled, turning back to his worksheet.

“Minho and Changbin not here yet?” Chan asked, noting the three empty seats at the table. Though Woojin worked during the day now, and his lunch break was much earlier than theirs, they left him an honorary spot at the table. It usually held Jisung’s backpack, or the contents of it, since that boy could never seem to keep his schoolwork organized. The other two seats, however, were usually filled by now.

“Changbin-hyung texted me saying Minho-hyung stayed up late dancing again,” Felix spoke up.

There was a collective eye roll at their table at that news. Minho was famous for dancing until he dropped and then standing up and dancing some more. They’d tried to knock him of the habit, since it wasn’t good for his body, but he refused to listen. The one time they had hidden the key to the practice room, they’d found an eerily calm Minho waiting for them in the cafeteria the next day. He promised them that day that if they ever did that again, he would put good use to the new knife set he’d bought for the dorm kitchen. The thing with Minho was that they could never tell if he was being serious or not, but that day the fire in his eyes had Hyunjin fumbling over the key in fear. Needless to say, they never tried to keep Minho from dancing again.

“They’ll be late then,” Chan sighed, “again.”

Sure enough, Changbin and Minho arrived fifteen minutes late. Surprisingly, Minho looked well-rested, whereas Changbin looked like _he_ was the one up all night dancing. 

Changbin noticed their confused looks, and spit out a short explanation before he shoved his bibimbap into his mouth.

“Essay for theory.”

The younger boys leaned back in understanding, but Chan and Minho glanced at each other in confusion.

“Bin,” chan called, “why’d you stay up all night to finish an essay when your classes are in the afternoon… couldn’t you have just slept and woken up earlier?”

Changbin froze, his hand comically holding a spoonful of his bibimbap in the air as his eyes widened in realization. They watched as his expression changed from shock to angry embarrassment at his stupidity.

“Awww,” Minho cooed, smirking as he tickled the underside of Changbin’s chin, “did someone forget he’s not in high school anymore? Binnie’s a big boy, he doesn’t have to stay up to finish work for morning classes anymore.”

“Shut up hyung,” Changbin growled, shoving Minho’s hand away and stuffing his face with food again. Changbin proceeded to sink into a foul mood, remaining silent for the rest of lunch as he seemingly beat himself up for losing sleep needlessly.

~

Lunch passed quickly after that. Soon enough, the school bell had five harried boys shoving food into their mouths, homework into their backpacks, and dashing off to class. Minho and Changbin left soon after for their afternoon classes. 

Chan stayed to eat the food leftover from eight lunches. When he stood up to head back to university, his eyes settled on a notebook resting on the seat Jeongin had been sitting in earlier. It was bright blue with a cute milk tea doodle centered on the front.

Picking it up, Chan checked the inside cover for a name. Sure enough, he found Jeongin’s handwriting. It made sense - the adorable brightness of the notebook fit the youngest’s personality. Chan slipped the notebook into his bag, he’ll return it to Jeongin at lunch tomorrow. Hopefully he wouldn’t need it sooner.

With that, Chan left the empty cafeteria, making his way out of the school. The rain greeted him like an old friend, and he raised his umbrella as he headed back to uni, his music composition class starting in thirty minutes. By the time he was stamping his wet shoes on the doormat inside the music hall, Chan had forgotten about the blue notebook.

At least for now.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wandering thoughts and one bad decision

Chan let out an obnoxiously loud groan as he flung himself onto his bed. It had been a  _ long _ day after all. The rain had let up about an hour ago, the clouds still lingering. Woojin wasn’t back from his job yet, so Chan had the tiny apartment to himself. 

He looked around his room for something to do. His bedroom was little more than a bed and desk shoved into two adjacent corners. His computer was still on his desk, open to the last program he’d been using the night before. Behind it were cheap bluetooth speakers, with black headphones perched precariously on top.

His homework was strewn on his desk and floor, wherever there was empty space to fill. His books for other classes were still out from studying for midterms - thank goodness those were over. He didn’t really feel like putting those away though.

The only other things of interest in his room were the posters on his walls and the door to his closet, which was only interesting because it led somewhere  _ other _ than his drab bedroom. The posters were Chan’s lame attempt to breathe life into the room. It was a minimal effort… resulting in a minimal life-breathing effect. It was just a few of his favorite groups: Day6, Twice, and a few he listened to with his family when he was younger. Above his bed was a single polaroid of him and Woojin that the older had forced him to tape up.

He sighed and looked up at his blank ceiling. His room was boring, but really he couldn’t care enough to do anything about it. With his workload, he only had time to study and  _ maybe  _ sleep. There wasn’t anything else he needed his room for, and it showed.

Woojin had long given up on getting him to decorate. It was an age-old argument that usually ended in Chan claiming he spent his money on decorating his  _ hair _ instead of his walls - something the elder of the two could not attest to. It was a common argument, Woojin wishing chan would decorate his room and Chan wishing Woojin would do something about that “dull hair” of his.

Chan ran a hand through his hair - it was currently blonde. He was giving it a short break before dying it another color. At least that’s what he told Woojin. It was really blonde only because Chan couldn’t decide what color he wanted next. Sometimes it felt like he’d tried them all. How could there not be enough colors in the world? Chan wasn’t sure.

~

Since midterms had just ended last week, Chan was enjoying one of the few days of no homework he had left. Technically he already had homework… it just wasn’t due anytime soon. That basically meant it was nonexistent in Chan’s world, which meant his backpack would sit in the corner of his room for the rest of the night.

Actually… speaking of his backpack… didn’t it have something new in it?

But what? Chan had already forgotten. He blamed it on the lack of sleep… or the rain. Both were equally skilled at deleting his mind files when he needed them the most. Or maybe they just put up misleading road signs like “music comp. assessment doesn’t exist” when it was really due next Tuesday or “looking for the name of Minho’s third cat? Turn left here” and it leads him down to memories about the neighborhood cat from his childhood instead.

Chan shook his head, he was already getting distracted from his mission of finding something to do. Or maybe getting distracted  _ was _ something to do. Either way he wanted something  _ better _ to do.

Ah right, his backpack. He got up to investigate what ‘new thing’ his mind files said was stored in it. Unzipping the frayed bag, Chan immediately found what he was looking for. Everything Chan bought for himself was black, it was just easier that way, not having to remember which color means which class. It was also easier on his eyes after days of no sleep, so that he wouldn’t be blinded by bright colors.

But blinded was exactly how he felt now, staring down at the blue notebook that almost shone against all the black of his belongings. It was Jeongin’s notebook, the one Chan had found during lunch earlier that day.

He picked it up, flipping it over to stare at the cover again. Something about the milk tea doodle seemed familiar, but he just couldn’t place it.

Flopping back down onto his bed - with a loud screeching of protest from his bed springs that he ignored - he inspected the notebook further. It looked a bit aged. There was this kind of slight creasing around the edges - the kind of almost unnoticeable rounded corners - and slight discoloration of the page ends that led Chan to believe it was a few years old. Still it looked to be brand new, Chan couldn’t imagine the color being brighter, so it must not have seen much sunlight. Maybe it was set aside for years, somewhere forgotten in a box in a corner of a room until Jeongin needed it for some purpose.

And what was that purpose? He wouldn’t know. Well, he  _ could _ know, if he was feeling immoral enough to open it up. But it wasn’t his notebook so he  _ definitely  _ shouldn’t. Besides it was probably boring high school notes, inconsequential things.

He dropped the notebook onto the floor by his bed, crossing his arm over his eyes.  _ No reading other people’s notebooks, Chan _ . 

After scolding himself, he moved to his desk, flipping aimlessly through the photos on his computer. He put on music, but after several songs had played Woojin still wasn’t back and Chan still hadn’t found something to  _ do _ . That was the problem, he thought, that he didn’t have a  _ life _ anymore. Not one outside of school anyway. If he didn’t have homework, he had studying to do, and if he didn’t have that… well… Chan didn’t know what he had.

He wished it was different. He felt like it _ should _ be different. It was his last year of uni and he still didn’t have any more of his life figured out than when he was in high school. Wasn’t that what college was for? Figuring out what he wanted to do? Well it must not have worked. Three years and dozens of classes in and Chan still had no more clue what he wanted to do than when he was seventeen. If anything he had even less of a clue. All he’s discovered in college is that there are a  _ lot _ more career paths than he thought. Which of course, was extremely unhelpful. He couldn’t even choose from what he was offered originally, and then they add more options? That was the problem with society - they gave you too many options.

Too many options and not enough time to decide. And out of all those options there wasn’t an option to  _ change  _ your option after a few years. No, only if you were really lucky could you do that - if you already had the skills to change your mind. Most people have to start all over again.

Chan sighed, pouting at the injustices of the world. If only he knew what the heck he wanted to do with his life. For now he’d settle for getting more than five hours of sleep.

~

Somehow Chan had managed to waste the rest of his day until the stars were burning in the night. Woojin had long come home and cooked up some ramyeon for them to eat. Chan was a bit sad that there wasn’t any chicken left (he’d forgotten to buy chicken that weekend so really, he had no right to complain), but he figured Woojin wouldn’t appreciate his whining. He knew the elder loved chicken just a  _ tiny bit _ more than him, and he didn’t want to ruin Woojin’s already terrible day.

“It’s horrible Chan. It’s like  _ ten hours _ of me spinning in a chair until someone phones in that their computer won’t work. And half the time it’s just someone too stupid to even think of restarting it first. God, Chan I didn’t go through an accelerated program just to end up pushing power buttons every day. And even when it’s a  _ real _ problem, it’s not like that’s any better. That just means having to solve it and I know I can code and do ‘all that tech stuff’ as someone called it today (which was super rude by the way? I was fixing their computer for them, I could have just walked away and left it, the least I could get is a  _ thanks _ ) - I took those classes for a reason. But for goodness sakes, why does it have to be so  _ boring _ ?!”

Chan had nodded in sympathy. He’d tell Woojin to quit and look for a new job, but they both knew how much the elder needed the money. There weren’t many jobs he qualified for with his accelerated program, and his mother desperately needed help stretching their money to cover Seungmin’s education and keep a roof over their head. It was always about taking care of his family, something Chan admired in Woojin, but still… Chan wished Woojin had the luxury to be a bit selfish sometimes.

“Chan,” Woojin had said after rambling down to the end of his long-winded speech about the woes of his life, “if you have the choice, never choose something you’re not passionate about.”

Don’t be me. The words hung in the air, invisible but still seen by both of them.

“Of course, hyung,” Chan had reassured, but on the inside he was lost. How could he avoid choosing a job he wasn’t passionate about when he didn’t even know what he  _ was _ passionate about? It all seemed a bit hopeless to Chan. He only had a few months to figure it out.

But again, that meant he didn’t have to figure it out that night. Which meant he could go back to his mind-numbing boredom.

~

Okay so mind-numbing boredom wasn’t sounding as attractive to Chan as it did five minutes ago. He wished something would happen in one of his numerous group chats, but it was oddly radio-silent. He wasn’t sure if he should be worried or glad that Felix had finally managed to not send a meme in over four hours… 

Glad, he’ll just be glad. Goodness knows they could use a break, the _internet_ could use a break - to make new memes. Chan was pretty sure Felix had found them _all_ , like a Pokemon master or something. He chuckled at that thought: Felix dressed up like Ash and holding a phone in his hand ready to throw a finger at the screen and catch a… another Spongebob meme.

“Aha! A  _ rare _ one!” imaginary-Felix cried.

Well was it really rare, Felix, if you found it and are now sharing it on every single social media platform in existence?

That kid needed a meme intervention, but there was no way Chan would be the one to stage that. He’d leave that to someone else… someone who Felix loved enough to let walk away with his memes unscathed. So basically no one.

Was it even possible to remove the meme from Felix? Or would you have to remove the Felix from the meme? Was Felix a meme? Can one exist without the other? Chan wasn’t sure.

~

Sometime during his brain ramblings, Chan found himself in the bathroom, staring at the city skyline from his seat on his lovely porcelain throne. Basically he was sitting on the toilet and staring out the window like a dead-faced idiot… again.

“Life,” he said randomly into the silence, and then he got up and walked back into his bedroom.

On his way back, his gaze was drawn in by the bright blue notebook. The one that held mysterious contents. The one that promised an easy escape from his boredom. The one that he most definitely should not read… The one he was currently picking up as he slipped back into bed. The one he was holding up against the white of his ceiling and staring at like it held the answers to the universe.

The one whose cover he had wrapped his fingers around and was  _ so so _ slowly edging open. The one he was now shutting tightly again.

Nope, nope, nope. No reading Jeongin’s notebook. Definitely not.

Except he opened the cover that morning to check for Jeongin’s name. So he could probably at least open to the name page again. Okay no reading the notebook, but he could open it to the inside cover.

The inside was a light brown that matched the color of the milk tea on the cover. There was Jeongin’s name, written a bit blocky off to the side of the right page, almost as if an afterthought of the initial excitement of starting a new notebook. Chan himself was partial to centering his name on those kinds of pages, but he supposed there was much less stress and perfectionism involved in writing your name in the top corner. 

He could only stare at that page for so long without growing bored… approximately two minutes, he discovered.

What if… he opened it? Who would really know though? Woojin was in his room, probably heading off to bed like Chan  _ should _ be doing at this time. No one else knew the notebook existed except Jeongin. And of course Chan could tell Jeongin he didn’t read it when he handed it back tomorrow - since he  _ would _ be handing it back tomorrow.

Really how much privacy could he invade in a single night? Not that much… right?

Ohhh, he shouldn’t. But he _ could _ . And if he could… then maybe in some universe he  _ will _ . Or maybe he already  _ did _ . And if he already  _ did _ read it, well there wasn’t any point in trying to uphold his quickly crumbling morals. He already read it, so really he could just read it now and it would be just the same as in that other universe. He already read it, so he’s not really doing anything worse by reading it now.

He was pretty sure that’s how the science of the moralverse worked. Or was it the multiverse? It didn’t really matter as long as it let Chan open the notebook.

And open the notebook he did… for about two seconds. Just fast enough to catch a glimpse of messy handwriting. Two seconds gave him nothing. So he opened it again. This time for  _ five seconds _ .

This time he caught a single phrase “Chan-hyung was onto something.”

Well fudge. He  _ had _ to read it now. There’s no way he couldn’t! That was his name! Right there! That basically gave him  _ total permission _ , full rights to read it. It was basically his property now. Yup, he was totally reading that page.

Except he couldn’t just skip to a random page.  _ You have to read these things in order _ . So he started from the beginning.


	3. February 8, 2013

**_February 8, 2013_ **

_ Channie-hyung gave me this notebook for my birthday! _

_ The milk tea  _ ~~_ dodle  _ ~~ _ doodle is  _ ~~_ to  _ ~~ _ so cute, I love milk tea! _

_ Hyung told me he always writes down his thoughts in a notebook and maybe it could help me understand myself better. _

_ He said writing  _ _~~thri~~ _ _ things down can make them real and put a “new perspective” on our lives and our thoughts. _

_ Hyung writes a lot, and he seems super wise so he’s probably right! _

_ I’m not much of a writer but I’ll try hard to be just like hyung! _

_ Hwaiting Jeongin! _

_ I’ll write more  _ ~~_ tommorow  _ ~~ _ tomorrow. _

_ -Jeongin _

* * *

Huh. No wonder the notebook looked familiar earlier, though Chan felt a bit stupid for not remembering where he’d seen it before. He literally  _ bought it for Jeongin _ . 

So it wasn’t boring high school notes… it was a diary of sorts. But this page was from five years ago. How long had Jeongin been writing in this? Did he write a lot or did he skip a few years?

The curiosity was killing Chan. He knew he shouldn’t keep reading - it was literally Jeongin’s private thoughts, written for no one else to read. But… he already read the first page. He was in this deep, might as well take the plunge right?

Yeah, yep, that was a great idea. It was a really, really good… bad idea.

So he flipped the page.

  
  



	4. February 9, 2013

**_February 9, 2013_ **

_ See I’m writing in here just like I said! _

_ I’m already acomplishing my goal. _

_ Um.. what happened today? _

_ Today Jisungie-hyung said his parents told him that he’d have to leave after next school year. _

_ He said he’s moving to Malaysia! Can you believe that! I haven’t looked it up on a map but I bet it’s  _ **_super far_ ** _ from here. _

_ That’s not fair I don’t want him to leave :( _

_ It’s weird drawing sad faces on paper instead of putting them on a phone. _

_ I have to improve my handwriting it’s getting sloppier these days. Oh and I saw a turtle on the way home from school, I hope no one ran it over. I like turtles, they remind me a bit of  _ _ Felix _ _ -hyungie… I don’t know why tho. Maybe because his face is just as stupid as one, hahaha! _

_ He’ll never know that I wrote that >:) _

_ Wait that means I can joke about my hyungs without them knowing in here. _

_ I knew Chan-hyung was onto something when he gave this to me! _

_ Wait I don’t even have to say hyung do I?! _

_ Channie.. Hahaha _

_ Chan chan chan, channie channie channie _

_ Chan-ah! _

_ Haha! _

_ Oh this is too good. _

_ Felix is stupid. _

_ Our little Binnie is short! Hahaha _

_ Chan … chan eats so much he’s gonna be fat one day. _

_ A fat grandpa hahaha _

_ Okay chan will probably still be a twig. _

_ Not as twiggy as Jisungie’s legs tho. _

_ Hehehe this is fun. _

_ Wait I haven’t said anything about Minho-hyung yet. _

_ Ummmm _

_ Minho… Minho. _

_ Minho has really pretty eyes. _

_ Wait what? _

_ I. _

_ Umm _

_ I think I’ll go now, uh _

_ bye _

_ -Jeongin _

* * *

Oho _ ho _ . So little Jeonginnie thought he could disrespect his hyungs. Cute.

All that power to insult anyone he wanted and Chan’s name was the one he wrote the most? What kind of world was that? That wasn’t fair! Chan thought he was a cool hyung… most definitely not a- a- “a fat grandpa.”

Chan pouted,  _ I’m not a fat grandpa _ . _ I’m a growing boy, I need to eat a lot. _

He remembered when Jisungie left for Malaysia though, over five years ago. Jeongin was so sad to see him go - the two had been close for years. Chan hadn’t known them long at that time, just a year or two, so he wasn’t as sad as Jeongin to see Jisungie go.

But this thing about Minho… Chan smirked.  _ Whipped from the beginning, Innie _ .

It was cute the way that the younger stumbled into his feelings for the dancer. Back then Minho was an even newer addition to their friend group than Chan. In fact, Minho had barely known Jisungie at all before he left for Malaysia. Jeongin used to follow Minho around like a lost puppy, the boy’s feelings on plain display. Chan remembered watching him in great amusement. Minho always chose to overlook that fact, though, for reasons Chan didn’t know. Weren’t the two dating now?

He thinks he remembers something along those lines… someone saying something during finals week last school year. But again, Chan was unlikely to remember much of anything that happens during exam week, so he could be wrong. Funny how he can’t even remember if two of his friends are dating. He made a note to ask Jeongin when he handed back the notebook tomorrow.

With that, Chan flipped the page again.


	5. March 7, 2013

**_March 7, 2013_ **

_ Sorry for not writing in here! _

_ Wait who am I apologizing to? There’s no one here! _

_ Anyways. _

_ About that last thing I wrote… _

_ About Minho-hyung… _

_ Umm _

_ I think I might, just maybe, like 10%, not even a lot, just have a teensy crush on him. _

_ That’s so weird to write down. _

_ Anyways that’s all I’ve learned in the past month. Nothing else happened today, other than eating icecream with Felix-hyung and Jisungie-hyung. But we do that everyday. _

_ -Jeongin _

* * *

By now Chan has fully immersed himself in Jeongin’s past life. Though the entries weren’t long or extensive in any way, they provided a nice contrast to Chan’s overly complex life. For someone who overthought everything, it was refreshing to see life from such a young, clear-cut perspective. Chan missed the days when things were as simple as accidentally blurting your feelings out to a journal.

Chan missed the days where he didn’t have to second-guess everything. He didn’t realize how much had changed in his life until now. It was strange how slowly changes happen in life, for Chan to miss all the differences and only see it once on the other side, turning back to read this diary. It was a kind of bittersweet reminiscence of warm summer days watching ice cream drip onto the sticky fingers of six young boys and cold winters spent throwing snow and trying to wiggle chilly fingers under scarves.

They hadn’t met Hyunjin, Seungmin, or Woojin yet, hadn’t welcomed them into their little circle, but still. Simpler days, simpler times. A better life? Simple didn’t always mean better, but sometimes Chan wished he could go back just to restart and maybe find some answer he missed along the way.

Ah somehow, these innocent thoughts of a twelve-year-old had Chan’s heart aching. Somehow these innocent thoughts stripped the excuses away from him until he could do nothing but admit what he’d been denying for a long time.

Eight boys, one self, and dozens of homework assignments didn’t add up to happiness. Somehow Chan found his heart adding up to loneliness instead.

  
  



	6. March 11, 2018

**_March 11th, 2018_ **

_ It’s over. It’s over it’s over it’s over and it hurts. _

**_He told me he loved me._ **

_ How was I supposed to know that meant he loved me like a brother. _

**_He told me he wanted to kiss me forever._ **

_ How was I supposed to know he meant my forehead, not my lips. _

_ I guess you ought to know. You’re no one after all, you’re me. I haven’t spoken to you in years. I haven’t written in you for years. Chan-hyung told me back then, that writing things down helped make them more real. That writing things down helped sort out your pain, and put your life into perspective. He told me writing things down helped. _

_ Well what about when I don’t want to make it real. What about when I want to unwrite it from existence, hyung how can I do that? You never taught me. _

_ Hyung told me he loved me… and then he said he never loved me like that at all. I don’t understand. I don’t understand, I don’t understand how he just stopped. I don’t understand how he realized he never loved me at all. I don’t understand how he stood there and smiled to me for a month, smiled with the secret that he held my heart but I never even touched his. _

_ God I loved him, I  _ **_love him_ ** _. I would do anything to protect him, to make him smile, to let him shine. I would do anything for him. I even let him walk away from me. _

_ What kind of weak person am I, to just let him  _ **_walk away_ ** _. I just stood there, in silence. I smiled for him. I told him it was okay, but he faltered, I saw in his eyes that he knew. _

_ He knew he broke me. _

_ I saw the stars in his eyes glimmer with guilt, I saw him pitying me, but he left me anyway. _

_ What’s the use. When your smile can’t even fool your boyfriend. When you can’t even hide your heart from him, when he doesn’t care anymore. What’s the use when you can’t make him smile anymore. When you’re the reason he’s weighed down with guilt. _

_ What’s the use when you can’t be enough for someone. _

_ And I thought I was, I thought I was. I thought love was enough. But you can’t love someone into loving you back.  _ **_You can’t love someone into loving you back_ ** _. And God it hurts, it hurts me so much. _

_ I can’t even see through the tears, I’m just praying the words come out like something legible but does it even matter. Who’d read this, who would care about me. Who would love me… _

_ Who would love me, who would love  _ **_me_ ** _. Who will love me now? _

_ I don’t care if you can’t read my words, maybe if they’re all jumbled up it will make the pain stop existing. _

_ I want to get it out. I want it to leave me. It just sits in my chest like an ember, like a whole fire, burning me up from the inside and not like those sick,  _ **_twisted_ ** _ love songs that  _ **_lie_ ** _ to you. _

_ It just hurts, it just hurts me, it just burns me, it hurts and it hurts and  _ **_hurts_ ** _ forever. _

_ I think I can’t bear it. I think it hurts worse than a thousands braces on my teeth, it hurts so bad, worse than a knee scraped open on the sidewalk, worse than the look of disappointment in my parents’ eyes when I fail a chemistry test, worse than a thousand brain freezes, worse than anything I could ever feel before now. _

_ It hurts so bad I don’t think I can ever feel something else again. _

_ And the tears just won’t stop, oh God, they just keep falling down and I’m trying not to flood this book and destroy the pages, but they burn. They seep and they burn and they leak out and lick my skin like flames from the fire inside of me and I hate it, I hate it. _

_ I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I couldn’t handle it. _

_ Everyone’s out right now, and for once my phone is  _ **_dead silent_ ** _. It’s not being blown up with Felix-hyung’s memes or Changbin-hyung yelling at him or Woojin-hyung telling people to shut up or Seungmin-hyung laughing at Hyunjinnie-hyung tripping again. _

_ It’s like they know. Or maybe they don’t care. They know and they don’t care, they don’t care how I feel about it. God that sounds so realistic to me right now, that they wouldn’t care about me. They just see the shape of a smile and move on, they don’t check to see if it’s real. _

_ Why is it so easy to trick them, it should be harder to lie to your best friends. _

_ I don’t think I could handle them right now anyway. I’d rather they didn’t care about me. If they cared it would be so much worse. To have to deal with their care and concern, their comfort and their patient silence and their willing ears, I couldn’t. _

_ I couldn’t handle that right now. _

_ He hasn’t texted me since then. It’s been two days. No it’s been 44 hours and 53 minutes since then. He hasn’t texted me and I wouldn’t if he never texted again. I wouldn’t I wouldn’t he couldn’t. What are these words anymore. I don’t care. _

_ God how I wish I  _ **_didn’t care_ ** _. How much easier that would be if I never loved him easier. But I did and I do. I told him everyday and I still want to tell him now. _

_ But now I know he doesn’t want to hear it. _

_ How’s that when your boyfriend doesn’t want to hear you say you love him. When your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore. _

_ How lonely it is when your boyfriend doesn’t want to be your boyfriend anymore. _

_ How fitting it is when my boyfriend isn’t my boyfriend anymore. _

_ I still love him. _

_ I still love you… so much… _

_ Minho-hyung. _

_ You don’t want me to, but I love you still. _

* * *

Chan dropped the journal in shock. He had no idea this happened to Jeongin. Heck he wasn’t even sure if Minho and Jeongin were  _ dating _ . He felt like a horrible friend. How could he have missed this heartbreak from Jeongin? 

“Oh my God,” Chan whispered, but the words came out deathly quiet, caught up in his throat. His eyes pricked with tears for the sheer emotion, the pain that was laced in the words Jeongin had written down.

“…Jeongin.” 

He had no right to be reading this, this was personal beyond belief, beyond words. But it was no longer a question of what was right for Chan. Jeongin was hurting, possibly still  _ is _ hurting, and that pulled on Chan’s heart. He had to make sure Jeongin was okay  _ now _ . And if he wasn’t… well then Chan would do everything he could to fix that. 

The worst part was when Jeongin had written about him. “Hyung how can I do that? You never taught me.” Chan’s heart  _ ached _ , the boy sounded so lost in the world. Everything in him told Chan that this was a boy that needed help, that needed love and support. Their friends jokingly said Chan was the father of the group because he always helped out and gave advice when he could. But this… Jeongin was hurting right in front of him and he  _ missed it _ . He felt responsible somehow, for his pain. He could’ve been there, he  _ should’ve _ been there. And he would be, from now on. He swore to himself right there that he’d never let life, school, friends,  _ whatever _ , he wouldn’t let  _ anything _ distract him from making sure his friends were okay, from making sure  _ Jeongin _ is okay. 

The writing was so different from how it was before, the way some words were scratched into the paper furiously while others were barely visible. And at the end some sentences just didn’t even make sense, but somehow the repeated words, the phrases that didn’t make any sense, the wrinkled pages from what Chan could only assume were dried tears… Chan could  _ feel _ the pain behind those pages. He could  _ see _ the pain on Jeongin’s face as he wrote that. Jeongin, so young, but already hurting this much? It just wasn’t right, Jeongin didn’t deserve that.

He picked the journal back up and turned the page with shaking fingers,  _ scared _ of what he’d find on the next page.


	7. March 12, 2018

**_March 12, 2018_ **

_ It’s been another 20 hours and 37 minutes. _

_ I don’t feel any better. Did I think that I would? It seems too long ago now, but so really close. I’m laughing crazily now, at my stupidity. I was so  _ **_stupid_ ** _. So stupid to think someone could love me. _

_ I was so stupid to not see that he didn’t love me. I’m so stupid to still love him, I’m so stupid to still hope he loves me too. _

_ I can feel it, I can imagine it, the times when he said he loved me and he kissed me so sweetly. He was the first person I ever kissed. I let him be the first, I wanted him to be the first. _ _   
_ _ It seemed so perfect to me. The two of us against the world until it became me against the world  _ **_and him_ ** _. _

_ I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how suddenly one day I wasn’t  _ **_enough_ ** _ for him. How was I not enough, what did I do? What didn’t I do? Please tell me so I can fix it, please tell me. I’ll do anything, I’ll change anything for you. I just want you back I want you back here and wrapping me up and holding me and loving me and  _ **_loving me_ ** _. _

_ I just want you to love me, hyung. _

_ It was so easy to fall in love with you, why can’t it be so easy for you to love me back? _

_ Why does God let that happen? Why did He let me fall in love with someone who didn’t love me back? _

_ But why did he say he loved me at all? How can you be that confused, that you think you love someone that way but you never did. _

_ How could he never have loved me through all the kisses, all the hugs, all the days he put his homework down to comfort me when I was down. _

_ Who’s gonna hold me now? Who will comfort me now? Now that hyung is gone? Who will love me now, hyung? Why couldn’t it just have been you?  _

_ Why can’t you love me? _

_ What’s wrong with me, that you could leave me like that, so easily. _

_ I love you, hyung. _

_ Love me back. _

**_Please._ **


	8. March 14, 2018

**_March 14, 2018_**

_I don’t want to see him._

_I want to see him but I only want to see the him that loves me._

_I don’t want to see him exist without loving me._

_I don’t want to see his smile when I’m not the reason for it._

_It hurts, hyung, but who will make it better now._

_I don’t think I can just stop loving you. I would do anything for you but I can’t do that. And why._

_Can’t you just turn feelings off, close your heart up, run away from the_ **_world_ ** _because the world is scary and the world hurts and the world is unfair and you hurt me but you promised you never would._

_You said “hyung will always be there, hyung will always love you In-ah.”_

_Well what about_ **_now._ **

_WHAT ABOUT_ **_NOW HYUNG WHAT ABOUT NOW. I’M STILL HERE, I’M STILL WAITING FOR YOU, I’M STILL HERE TO LOVE YOU BUT WHERE ARE YOU._ **

_WHERE ARE YOU._

_WHERE ARE YOU WHEN YOU SAID YOU’D LOVE ME NOW, WHEN YOU SAID YOU’D BE HERE WITH ME, WHERE ARE YOU NOW WHEN YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE._

_How could you just lie like that, how could you just let my heart grow for you and then leave it to_ **_die._ **

_Hyung please._

_Please come now, I’m alone._

_I’m lonely, I’m cold. I’ve cried so much I don’t think I can ever stop. My nose is always running, where are you to tell me softly to grab a tissue?_

_Where are you to wipe my tears, where are you to hug me and hold me and make me feel better._

_Where are you to love me._

_I’m sick, I’m sick without you._

_I wish I didn’t care. I wish I didn’t care. I wish you loved me._

_I don’t know what I wish I don’t know what I want, I just don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to be_ **_broken like this hyung._ **

_It hurts._

_Where are you when I want you here with me._


	9. March 15, 2018

**_March 15, 2018_ **

_ School started again today, and I didn’t go. _

_ I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t have to see my friends “worrying” for me. I don’t want to talk to them. _

_ I told mom I was sick. When she saw me, she agreed immediately. _

_ I guess when your heart breaks, so does your face. She said she’s never seen me this bad. I have to agree. _

_ It’s too hard to hold it in or let it out. It’s too hard to exist with this. How does it hurt so much, I can just  _ **_feel it in me_ ** _. I can feel the crack, the holes he left in me. I feel the emptiness inside of me and I don’t get it. _

_ How my heart goes on pumping blood and keeping me alive and working scientifically. _

_ But it feels so broken, so tangibly broken. I don’t get how it’s still working when it’s shattered in pieces, I don’t get why I’m still allowed to be alive. _

_ I don’t get why I’m still alive when it would be so easy to just  _ **_not be._ **

_ I don’t want to feel this anymore, I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of feeling so much, I want to let the cold take over me.  _

_ I’m just gonna lay here in bed, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to forget. _

_ I’m sick of this. _


	10. March 30, 2018

**_March 30, 2018_ **

_ The hyungs won’t stop asking me if I’m okay. _

_ I wish they’d stop so I wouldn’t have to keep lying and saying I’m okay. I’m clearly not but I don’t want to talk. I don’t want their concern, their care. _

_ If I wasn’t enough for Minho-hyung, I don’t deserve their concern. _

_ School is like another life to me. Last school year feels like years ago. I feel like I’ve aged so much, like the life has been sucked from me. I just feel hollow on the inside. _

_ It’s so hard to care about things now. I remember wishing I didn’t care before. I guess my brain knows that this feeling of… apathy doesn’t feel good. It makes me sick on the inside. _

_ It’s like I know I should care, I should be frantically trying to feel something but I can’t even manage that. I can’t even seem to be afraid for myself. _

_ The only thing that hurts now is seeing Minho-hyung laugh with the rest of them. _

_ I’ve taken to eating lunch in the library. I’m failing my classes and it’s only been 2 weeks. I tell the hyungs that I have to study when they ask. They keep offering to help me but I just want to be alone now. _

_ Funny how at the beginning, everything you want… you get it and suddenly you don’t want it anymore. _

_ I don’t even know if I want Minho-hyung to love me again. I don’t know if that would make me feel. _

_ I don’t do anything anymore - homework isn’t important, I don’t talk to my friends, I don’t talk to my family, I don’t do anything. I just sit there on my bed and look at the ceiling and try to stop existing… it never works though. _

_ Instead random memories pop into my head, some from years ago, some from weeks ago, when we were still together. _

_ The one that keeps floating into my head is the day I asked hyung out. _

_ It was during exam week. I crushed on Minho-hyung so long, I can’t even remember when the feelings started. But I never said anything. It was just too easy to let him shine on his own, I didn’t want to approach his loveliness. _

_ You don’t mess with perfection, that’s what they say. Well I tried anyway and left all the worse for it. _

_ But at the beginning it was beautiful. The stress of exams had me up all night, the caffeine coursing through me felt like courage and I walked up to him fearlessly. _

_ I remember him gripping my arms in concern at my eye bags. It was just exams I told him. _

_ I finally asked him, I finally told him I loved him… Looking back maybe that was too soon for him. For me to just walk up and say I’ve loved him like that for years. _

_ Maybe other people are scared by that? That someone could love them so deeply and fully without them knowing? _

_ It’s not that hard to hide your love. It’s after, when you let it loose, that it’s hard to pull back into yourself. _

_ He said yes of course. He said he liked me back. Maybe that’s when I should have known. When he smiled a second too late and rested his hand on my shoulder to reassure me. When he said he liked me after I said I loved him. _

_ I was happy with that then, happy that he even let me love him. _

_ I couldn’t be happy with that now. _

_ I’m so tired these days. It’s too hard to feel much of anything. Everyone around me keeps asking me questions, asking me what’s wrong, if I want to do something with them. They’re surrounding me like vultures, like I’m some carrion to be eaten. I know I’m dead inside but that doesn’t give them the right to eat me out of existence, to pull and pull until I’m all undone. _

_ Maybe it does though. Maybe when you’re dead you don’t have a claim over your body, over your life. _

_ It’s overwhelming, so much concern when I don’t deserve it, when I don’t need it. I don’t want it, I wish they’d leave me alone here. _

_ Ah, mom is calling us to dinner again. It feels like I ate years ago, but my stomach is filled with the poison of the blood of my broken heart. _

_ I don’t think I’ve had an appetite since that day. _

_ I try to force the food down my throat but it’s sickening, it feels wrong. But if it gets them off my back, I’ll shove it all down into the pits of my stomach. _


	11. April 14, 2018

**_April 14, 2018_ **

_ Life is too hard. _

_ I’ve tried and I just can’t anymore. There’s so many words I want to write down, like they’re bubbling and burning inside of me and they want to be on this paper, but I can’t lift a finger to get a pen. _

_ It’s so much effort now, even now I’m writing so slowly. I doubt I could fill a page, even writing this next line seems like an impossible task. _

_ Everything’s a burden now. _

_ And I found a way to give up. _

_ I hate giving up but I do it anyways. _

  
  


_ It’s so hard. It’s so hard to fill this page. _

  
  


_ I’m just skipping lines, I can’t. You expect so much from me, too much. I can’t fill a page. _

_ My arms are so weak, so heavy, and my head is forever spinning now. _

_ I can’t remember the last time I drank something, I think I left my cup filled on the dinner table. _

_ It’s not like I cry anymore, so I don’t need to drink water now. _

_ Whatever. _

_ I just want to say whatever. I just want to stop lying to them, yell at them that I’m broken and I want to leave and they can’t fix me. _

_ The worst part is what I saw yesterday.  _

_ The reason hyung left me. The reason I wasn’t enough, the reason he paused for a second when he said yes that first time. _

_ Jisungie-hyung. _

_ No, Jisung-hyung. I feel sick calling him fondly now. _

_They’re so_ happy together now _. Everyone’s so_ happy for them now _._

_ Well great for them. _

_ I still want to die. _

_ But oh sure, Minho and Jisung together forever, always in love until death. _

_ I wish mine would come soon at this point. There’s nothing left to be here for, when nothing feels and nothing helps and nothing comforts. _

_ Life is for the feeling, and I don’t belong anymore. _

_ I can’t just take back what I left behind. _

_ I’ve tried. _

_ Believe me, I tried. _

_ But not even the startling brightness of my blood shocked feeling back into me. It just felt like I was taking more of me. _

_ Is that still a feeling? Losing feeling? _

_ Maybe. _

_ Maybe it does work then. _

_ Maybe I should try it again. _

_ But I’m so tired now. _


	12. April 16, 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> assume anything crossed out is so scratched out that it's illegible to Chan

**_April 16, 2018_ **

_ I think these days I don’t love Minho-hyung anymore. _

_ I don’t want him back anymore, I don’t care anymore. _

_ I guess that means it worked, I’m cured. My heart’s not broken now? _

_ Is that how it works? _

_ I guess so… _

_ My new heart hurts a lot too. _

_ Maybe I should break it and try again.  _

_ I haven’t written my thoughts to no one in a while.  _

_ It’s nice, spilling your thoughts to yourself.  ~~ I can’t lie to myself like this. ~~ _

_ There’s no lies in here. _


	13. April 17, 2018

**_April 17, 2018_ **   
_ When I force myself, it gets easier to write in this now. _

_ Earlier I stared at my sketchbook for an hour. _

_ I forgot it existed. I forgot I used to have things that I cared about. _

_ In the school world, it looks like I’m trying again. _

_ It’s only because I promised myself that if I got through this I could escape over break. I don’t know what that means yet but it sounded nice and it’s making me look sane again. _

_ At least my hyungs have stopped asking me what’s wrong. _

_ They don’t look for me at lunch anymore, the silence and solitude of the library is blissful. _

_ Sometimes the sounds of other people just gets to be too much now. I run the bathroom twice a day to leave it behind. I crouch in the back corner next to the sinks and cover my ears with my hands and curl up so I can’t see the world anymore. _

_ That’s the best part of my day. When I crouch in the dark loneliness… it feels nice now. _

_ I’m doing my homework again, I picked my grades back up, just so that mom and dad would stop worrying and nagging and prying. Now they leave me alone too. _

_ It’s so nice to be alone now. _

_ It’s so nice to feel empty now. _


	14. April 18, 2018

**_April 18, 2018_ **

_ I dreamed of Minho-hyung again. His smile, his eyes. I woke up seeking his presence. It wasn’t like before. I didn’t feel empty because he wasn’t there. I mean I did but… my heart also knew he wouldn’t come. It was bittersweet. _

_ Instead my heart wanted to write him. Or draw him. I just needed to immerse myself in his essence for a little while. _

_ I didn’t get to. It’s a school day. Instead I ate my breakfast thinking of him. I could force myself to forget it, but I don’t want to. It sounds like how it was before, doesn’t it? I know it does, but it’s different. I don’t physically ache for him to hold me. I feel sad for a bit, but it’s better. _

_ I still need to write him, draw him. But I feel too tired to do more than write this now. _

_ I need to take it slower. I should draw Minho-hyung today. I want to anyways. Even if I have a test tomorrow. _

_ There’s an art contest due today. I forgot about it over the weekend,  _ _~~I was too busy trying to feel again… this time it was harder cleaning it all up~~. _ _ The money and recognition would have been great.  _ ~~_ for once. _ ~~ _ It’s not like I would’ve entered anyway. _

_ But it reminded me that art exists, that I used to draw sometimes. I used to draw Minho-hyung…  _

_ I used to think hyung’s eyes were beautiful. _

~~_ I never showed him my drawings, but my sketchbook is full of the curves of his beautiful face. I guess a broken heart doesn’t change beauty. _ ~~


	15. April 20, 2018

**_April 20, 2018_ **

_ The days are perpetually warm now, but I still feel cold on the inside. _

_ It doesn’t matter if I’m wearing 3 jackets and a blanket, I still feel cold. So I stopped wearing jackets to school again. There was no point, and I just stood out. _

_ This way I blend into the background. _

_ I’m glad I didn’t do it on my arms, where everyone could see. _

_ I think it’s because of Chan-hyung. _

_ No one’s ever asked him, and he’s never said. But we all see the lines on his arms. _

_ He doesn’t hide them in the summers. I wonder how many looks he’s gotten for them.  _

_ I remember wondering for years how you could feel so low to do that. I was just glad there were never new lines on him.  _

_ I guess I know now. _

_ It was because of Chan-hyung that I knew not to do it on my arms. Even then I knew what a permanent thing it was. I don’t need people asking me questions again. _

_ I did it on my thighs. _

_ Even in the summer my shorts will cover them. _

_ So no one will ever know unless I tell them. _

_ I can’t imagine anyone caring enough for me to tell them anyways, so it’s fine. _

_ But I wonder what Chan-hyung would say if he knew. _

_ Sometimes I imagine him crying over me, and other times I see a twisted smile of pride on his face, that I can follow in his footsteps. I can’t figure out which one makes me feel less. _

_ I can never be him though, he’s too perfect for me to ever try to imitate. _

_ They’re all too perfect for me to be. _

_ So I’ll just be broken instead. _

_ Hyunjinnie-hyung asked me to go out with the hyungs again. _

_ He asks me every week, sometimes twice. I always have a new excuse for him. _

_ It’s almost like a game for me now, thinking of new reasons to stay away from them. It’s almost too easy, too easy to be alone. _

* * *

Chan’s stomach flipped in horror. Jeongin? His face crumpled. He looked down at his arms. He hadn’t thought about them in a while, but now they were all he could see. Even when he closed his eyes tight, he saw them. Lines, lines tearing across his vision and blinding him. Laughing at him. Pointing down at him, at  _ Jeongin _ .

He was disgusted. With himself. All over again.  _ Jeongin?! _ It was like a whisper in his mind, a scream across his eyelids, a warning carved into his arms.  _ Jeongin _ . He didn’t want to believe it. It made him sick just thinking about it. No one,  _ no one _ deserved that.  _ Jeongin didn’t deserve that _ .

He wanted to throw the cursed diary away that second, run away, run to Jeongin and just  _ hug him _ . Wrap him up and protect him from the world-

No.

From  _ himself _ .

He almost shivered from the reality. He could fight a million people to protect Jeongin, but he couldn’t fight  _ Jeongin _ . No matter what everyone else believed, was told, the worst enemies are the invisible ones.

The ones inside of you.

The ones inside of Chan. The ones inside of  _ Jeongin _ .

The droning in his mind, the fuzz that threatened to explode it, the freezing of his heart from the horror. It all stopped.

For five of the longest seconds in Chan’s life, it was dead silent.

And then he heard something breaking. No… that wasn’t right. More like whimpering… crying? Why was his face burning?

He raised a trembling hand to his face and his fingers brushed over dripping cheeks. It was him.  _ He _ was crying. Sobbing actually. Barely holding it together, barely refraining from letting some kind of twisted hate and fear and terror and repulsion inside of him explode..

Jeongin.

Jeongin looked at what Chan had done and he’d… he’d…  _ learned from him? Followed him. Used Chan to hurt himself _ .

Chan wanted to throw up. It was  _ his _ fault. If he hadn’t messed up… if he hadn’t…

Maybe Jeongin wouldn’t have…

But it wasn’t- Chan shouldn’t feel bad… But he should. It’s his fault.

But Jeongin decided-

Jeongin is hurting himself, and. And he learned it from  _ him _ .

But he always made sure to- He… He thought he was doing well… doing okay…

But- But Jeongin-

Hurting himself. Bleeding. Marked with the same scars as Chan-

Chan. Jeongin. He-

His heart was  _ crying _ , his brain was short-circuiting. He-

What was he supposed to  _ do _ ? Jeongin is doing this? And he…

He thinks…

“He- He thinks I would  _ proud _ ,” he whispered, choking up. He grabbed his throat in pain. The words seemed to rip the seams of his world apart. The world he’d carefully sewn back together. So many demons he silenced but they hadn’t been silenced, they’d gone to  _ Jeongin _ . Chan did it to him. He sent his own failures to him. He messed him up, he ruined him.

But Chan didn’t- He didn’t want this. He wasn’t proud. He was  _ horrified _ . Appalled. At himself. But Jeongin… innocent- happy- pure-

But Jeongin…

Hurting.

Bleeding.

Scarred.

Crying.

Hiding.

Jeongin thinking it was  _ okay _ . But knowing that it wasn’t?! But still feeling, but not-

But Chan. It was  _ his _ responsi…

But Chan had worked so hard, to  _ never _ let it-

But it  _ did. _

_ It did. _

_ And he was broken now. Like Chan had been. _

He let his boiling emotions leak out of his eyes, seep down his face, onto his sheets. He let it out, he let it go, let his heart be rubbed raw in the silence and the darkness. In the secrecy.

That was it.

It was a secret. No one knew. Jeongin didn’t know. Only Chan knew.

Only he knew.

And it was a secret. It was silent. But it screamed so loud on the inside. It hurt. He winced, his head hurt. Like it was splitting open.

But his heart hurt worse.

Because Jeongin, his precious dongsaeng. The most innocent of them all, the most deserving of everything good.

Was broken.

He sucked in, air rattling through his lungs. Trying to calm down, trying to think, to feel. To put it in order. One by one, down the lines. His face twitched at the wording that imprinted itself on his mind.

Think, think. He had to. He had to fix this. Jeongin. Jeongin needed  _ help _ .

Chan needed to help him.

Chan needed to fix him. Jeongin needs help.

But-

How.

  
  


Like a serpent twisting around in his stomach, it came to him slithering and heavy. Dread hissing deep in his gut. Heart weighed down far enough to fall through the cracks.

He couldn’t do anything now. It was  _ done _ . It had been done. It was the past.

He had to catch up. He was tied to this, entangled in it, hanging from it like a noose.

He had to follow it through.

Finish the diary.

How far had Jeongin fallen. How far would Chan fall with him.

He didn’t want to know.

…But he had to.


	16. April 29, 2018

**_April 29, 2018_ **

_ I laughed today. _

_ It was short. It’s almost like a false memory now. _

_ My older brother tickled me. _

_ That’s it. _

_ I can’t think of anything else of importance that’s happened. _

_ My life is worthless now. _

_ But I keep going anyways. _

_ I don’t think I want to laugh again. _

_ It came out twisted and strangled, it felt all wrong. _

_ It feels much better to be quiet. _

_ It feels much better to feel nothing. _

_ I think I’ll try harder to stay alone now. _


	17. May 5, 2018

**_May 5, 2018_ **

_ It was Children’s Day today. _

_ Mom and dad baked us a cake and sang to us. _

_ They told us what was special about each of us. _

_ I sat there and smiled through the whole thing. I forgot how easy it is to fake a smile. _

_ Everything they said about me sounded so fake.  _

_ Drawing skills? Lighting up a room? Bringing others joy? _

_ What a joke. _

_ I can’t even bring ‘joy’ to myself. I don’t even know what joy  _ **_is_ ** _ anymore. _

_ I haven’t felt this offended in months. I haven’t felt this much in months, so I guess that’s a change. _

_ I don’t like it but I feel like things flicker in me these days. _

_ Like something just pops up and disappears too quickly for me to tamp down. _

_ It’s scary, the inevitability of it. I can’t stop it, it wants to drag me out of my corner. _

_ I guess I should be glad my parents are proud of me. That they love me. _

  
  
  


_ It just doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore. _

* * *

It hurt to see how little Jeongin thought of himself. Jeongin was truly the light of their friend group along with Felix. While Felix loved to make other people smile, Jeongin didn’t even have to try. It had always felt like Jeongin was always happy and smiling, even when he was annoyed he’d still be smiling. And it was that smile that made everyone around him feel happy.

To think that that very smile was now fake… that Jeongin didn’t see how much joy he brings to the world just by existing, by being himself, it was hard to face. To believe. 

But it was easy to understand. Chan remembered when he was drowning in the same insecurities, the same fear of emotion plaguing him. He could remember when nothing seemed to matter to him either.

And because he understood, it hurt all the worse knowing that someone so close to him was dealing with the same.


	18. May 6, 2018

**_May 6, 2018_ **

_ Last night I dreamed of Felix-hyung. I dreamed of other stuff too, the usual frivolous whimsy that seems realistic to my sleep-heavy brain. But the color of Felix, his warmth, his smile, the hugs he would give, those were what pressed on my mind when I woke up. _

_ Perhaps I never dreamed of him at all, but I woke up to the sense that he had long been on my mind. _

_ I haven’t spoken to Felix-hyung since that day. I haven’t spoken to any of them. Funny how we were both friends with them. They were not his friends but yet he gets to keep them anyway. It wasn’t a divorce, so I don’t see why he’s keeping what belongs to both of us. _

_ But I suppose I haven’t reached out to them either, I don’t want to. No… that’s not right. I can’t. _

_ They remind me of old days and old smiles, tinged with the past and brighter than I could ever achieve today. _

_ I miss them. I miss Felix-hyung the most. We were the closest after all. What was a day without his smiles and his hugs, rollerskating to our deaths as I chased him down, trying to wrangle a helmet over his faded orange hair. _

_ I wonder what color his hair is now, if he bleached it again or went darker like he said he wanted.  _

_ Hyung’s hair is like his personality; rolling, forever changing, bright and powerful, attention-seeking and attention-grabbing, but falling softly over his eyes with a grace of kindness you can’t forget. The way he sacrificed for his friends, just to make them smile. _

_ I miss the simplicity of us, drinking watermelon juice on hot summer days when hyung refused to let me stay inside. He took me on adventures, and I laughed him back to gentle waves, lapping at the shores of our past. _

_ I wonder what they do now without me. They’re probably the same. Same fights about who stole whose jackets or sneakers or headphones or who would pay or who was the dumbest or the most like a child or who could beat Seungmin in a game of chess (no one ever succeeded). _

_ I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them. _ ~~_ if he misses me like I miss him. _ ~~ _ Am I still a contact on their phones?  _ ~~_ or has he deleted me from his life. _ ~~

_ And why. Because we seemed like a pair of perfect stars tumbling and burning through the sky –– the ones that hurt but shone despite that, whose lights crossed the distance between them but you flicked that light switch off faster than I could blink. _

_ I wonder what Felix-hyung would say about me sitting like a useless lump day after day. I’m sure he’d pull me unwillingly back into the real world until he’d forced a smile out of me.  _

_ I can imagine him now, careening into my room like a boomerang, snatching me out of the air and taking me back to his world –– the world of the living. _

_ I wish he’d do that now, run in with a battle cry and fight this emptiness out of my soul until he’s filled my heart back up to the brim with his watermelon juice and laughter. _

_ I miss Felix-hyung… almost as much as I miss him. _

* * *

Jeongin’s writing was different this time. There was much more writing in this entry, longer words and phrases. Chan wondered what that meant, almost hoped it meant Jeongin was healing. But he knew it was like a false alarm, like one of the many times he himself had thought himself to be better for a moment, only to fall back into what refused to let him go. 

He could almost feel the change though, was swimming in that bittersweet nostalgia that Jeongin must have felt when he wrote it. Thinking about all the times Felix and Jeongin and laughed together and Chan hadn’t thought to appreciate it, hadn’t thought to fear it’s passing.

Jeongin had isolated himself from them for so long… Chan felt horrible knowing that he had just let it happen. They had all let it happen, no one had realized. They’d assumed it was his schoolwork and had gone back to their own jokes and laughter and problems. They didn’t stop to wonder if Jeongin was okay, they didn’t stop to give him the care he deserved. And Jeongin had still thought about them, but they had forgotten him so easily. Forgotten to worry and check in and care. 

Jeongin missing Felix… did he miss everyone else? Did he miss Chan? Chan didn’t know it until now, but he missed Jeongin. Like a silent hole in his heart, he didn’t know it existed until he stumbled upon it. So busy with his own life that he didn’t think twice about how easily Jeongin had disappeared.

But to hear that Jeongin wanted to be saved… it was hope, or at least a chance for it. That’s the hardest part, wanting to be saved. But if Jeongin did… maybe.

  
_ Maybe _ .


	19. May 7, 2018

**_May 7, 2018_ **

_ I was wrong. _

_ I don’t miss him. _

_ I don’t think so. _

_ I don’t know, it gets confusing. If I miss him or a memory or a feeling or myself. _

_ If I miss all of it or none or if I can even feel the absence of anything anymore. _

_ Sometimes it’s almost like I can, and other times I’m just the same. _

_ It scares me, so I tried to make it go away again. _

_ I remember how it felt like I was losing feeling when I cut myself before… _

_ I just wanted to see if it still did that now. So I just cut a tiny bit. _

_ Just a small line underneath the others. _

_ Just a little bit of blood. _

_ Nothing serious. _

_ I don’t know though. _

_ It seemed to work in the moment. When the red came up and went out and flowed down it felt like it didn’t feel at all. Sometimes pain is sharper than a knife, and then it becomes colder than frostbite until you can’t feel anything. _

_ I’d consider myself an expert in pain now. _

_ But afterwards I felt the flickering again, almost stronger than before. It seemed to last longer too. _

_ I’m afraid. _

_ What is it? _

_ It’s almost like my body is trying to feel again. _

_ I don’t know. It feels like safety isn’t even safe anymore. _

_ I think I’d choose the cold floor over a blanket and pillow now. _

_ What does that say about me, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. _

_ I don’t have to know the world when I’m just 17. _

_ I don’t have to make good choices when I’m 17. _

_ I can hurt myself if I want to. _

_ I don’t even remember why I was writing this anymore. _

_ Oh I said I didn’t miss Minho-hyung. _

_ I guess that’s right. I don’t miss him. I don’t think so. _

_ I don’t know, it gets confusing. If I miss him or a memory or a feeling or myself. _

_ If I miss all of it or none or if I can even feel the absence of anything anymore. _

_ Sometimes it’s almost like I can, and other times I’m just the same. _

_ It scares me, so I tried to make it go away again. _

_ I don’t know though. _

_ It seemed to work but now I think it just did the opposite. _

_ I think I’m losing my thoughts now. _

_ Like the red that I wiped off the bathroom floor earlier. _

_ I’ll just go to bed now I guess. _

_ I feel so unsure of everything now. Anchorless and lost. _

_ Alone. _

* * *

So Chan was right. It was just one day later, but Jeongin had… “relapsed” so quickly.

The way his thoughts couldn’t even become clear on paper, how he’d rewritten the whole first half of his entry without even knowing it. It was the listlessness, the confusion, the heavy apathy that came with it. At a certain point it stops helping you very much at all, it starts hurting you more than working. Chan knew too well.

It was the confusion, the ‘unsure’ part that got to Chan the most. He could almost feel it all over again, how vulnerable and fragile and small he felt in the face of it all. In the face of the world and his own apathy. Like the universe imploding within himself, or a thousand blades falling down upon him, and he would tremble alone and afraid on the ground. Shivering from the cold stone beneath him, bones almost threatening to break. It’s overwhelming, the fear and the confusion and just the _ emptiness _ , the not  _ knowing _ anything, not being sure of  _ anything _ . It was so much further than just being insecure, it was not being sure about  _ anything, about breathing and saying hello and walking and even just folding the bed sheets back to step out of bed. Even just lifting a toothbrush or pouring cereal, unsure of what to do or be at every point in existing. _ Unsure of existing.

It kind of seeped back into him like a flood slamming against a sturdy door, stopped by sheer will only to find the cracks above and below and coming all into him so inevitably. He hated it, hated that Jeongin felt it too. Hated that it reached into both their souls and choked them with their own doubts.

He hated feeling so helpless, knowing he hadn’t given Jeongin what he needed when he felt the same. Like he was inept as a friend, incapable of caring the right way. 

He knew on some level, some level he had fought to reach for so many years, that he wasn’t at fault. Jeongin had hidden this from all of them, had hidden  _ himself _ from them, purposefully. Jeongin made sure they couldn’t care for them because he felt like he didn’t deserve it, didn’t  _ want _ it. Chan knew somewhere that he wasn’t responsible.

But it was drowned out by all the words and images flashing through his mind. Jeongin cutting himself, alone watching himself bleed, uncaring but scared but scared of the wrong things. Scared of the right thing. Jeongin losing his mind, his thoughts, losing his identity and his will to  _ be _ . Jeongin not wanting their friendship, Jeongin feeling safe with danger and vulnerable with safety. Jeongin twisting himself all backwards and inside out until he lost himself in the folds, searching for himself but also turning his back to himself, giving up and persevering in all the wrong ways.

And through it all Chan not noticing him making the same mistakes that he had, carrying on in some parallel existence to him, like he had turned up his nose and kept walking, not stopping to investigate the warning in his heart. Chan walking past and leaving Jeongin alone, Chan failing him like he failed himself.


End file.
